On reaching the horizon...

A cigarette to calm my nerves. A million people have been in my position but I can't find one I can confide in. I can feel the tide turning and I'm trying my best not to drown in the surf. I've been the architect of my own boundless ship, meticulously building and re-building until the structure is just right. Two paths await me.

My stomach is churning..

i'm a major changer

About three years ago, when most people my age were picking out their classes, I was busy picking out my roommates. When my peers were writing essays, I was paying the bills. When my peers were gaining their "freshman fifteen", I had to worry about putting food on the table for me and my brothers. While my high school class was focused on school and enjoying the spoils of their new college life, I had to play mom. So school naturally took a backseat. I never got the opportunity to fully experience college life. I missed out. The all nighters, study groups, orientations, internships, volunteer work, clubs, etc. As daunting as these activities may be, I feel like was robbed of a part of my life. Do I resent the circumstances which lead me down this path? Very much so. But I'll save that for another blog post.

A little down the line, things got better and little by little and the weight was slowly lifted off my shoulders. I found it hard to get back on the school grind. It was never my priority and call me spoiled, but the taste of adult life and the freedom associated with it was so satisfying to me.

So I overindulged. And it's difficult for me to admit this, but it's easy to ignore school when it never was your priority in the first place. Now that I'm getting older (I'm turning 22 next year, WTF) I'm beginning to wonder where I'm going in life. I've had about 50 freak outs and changed my major at least four or five times. I couldn't decide on my future because EVERYTHING interested me. So FML.

Hopefully this will be the last time I change my major and I'll be set in the right direction. Since I've graduated high school, I've followed so many paths. I am now partially trained in piano, french, bio/marine bio, fashion design and journalism. So I suppose I didn't waste too much time in community college. Now I've got an artillery of skills just in case the economy never picks up and I can't find a job :)

I want a normal life. I want school to be my priority. I want to go to an amazing school and I want to be able to travel and buy my own house. I want to be able to support my kids through college so they don't have to go trough the crap I went though. I want to be the first in my family to graduate and get a degree.

I just re-read this and I have no idea where I'm going with this. Sorry for the shitty post. Goodnight <3

xoxo, loveLC

call it dumb, call it luck, call it love or whatever you call it but everywhere i go i keep his picture in my wallet like here..

This was the beginning. In the beginning there were no expectations, no rules, no habits. It was spontaneous, new, exciting. It was mutual. No expectations. Not knowing what was next was so thrilling to me. He fit my life perfectly, and my life was the epitome of uncertainty and impulsiveness. All I knew was that I liked him, and whatever is meant to be would be.

I've been sitting here for a good thirty minutes, writing and editing the perfect blog entry for today. I wrote about our future, I wrote about my love for him, I wrote funny anecdotes, experiences, dreams, fights, and various lessons I've learned. And I realized no pointless blog entry can summarize it. I love Shaun Pamintuan. And thanks to immense amounts of PDA everyone knows it. End of story.

xx, loveLC

"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry. He’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy who is perfect for you." — Bob Marley

welcome to rehab.

Lately my mind has been on constant ADD mode and I can't seem to focus on one thing long enough to fully understand or enjoy it. After searching long and hard for the source of this problem I've realized that the cause of my ADD is MY STUPID PHONE. Sheessh. If I ever thought getting an iPhone would lead me down this path, I would have stuck to my simple, lovable sony ericsson. I can't even enjoy even a nice fall breeze without hopping on my phone and telling everyone on FB and twitter. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my iPhone. Are you kidding me? Text messages, emails, GPS, contacts, music, internet, calendar, notes, facebook, aim, youtube, twitter & more? I could stay on my phone for hours. & I'll admit it. I'm an internet junkie. But I digress.

I have to recognize the difference between convenience and dependence. What is it about twitter and FB and AIM that I love so much? Status updates? Instant acknowledgement of my every thought? Maybe it's being able to keep up with everyone without actually being able to talk to them (thanks a lot school & work). Maybe it's a feeling of self importance. Maybe it's a little of everything. I just know I don't like being that person. That person who is always on their phone and fails to interact with what is actually going on around them. I want to enjoy my life.

It's all about perspective.

I remember the days when I had to wait until I got home to check my messages. When I made plans with friends wayyyyy ahead of time, because once I was out of the house no one can get in touch with me to meet up. When I checked my email only once a day because each of us was allowed only an hour on the computer. When I was able to have a nice long conversation with a friend to catch up, because he/she sincerely didn't know what I''ve been up to b/c he/she was not following me on twitter. The nice days when I actually enjoyed the company I was with, instead of seeing what everyone else was up to. Shit, does anyone still remember the slight nervousness you get when asking for someone's number? That's gone. Thanks to friend requests. We're all losing our social skills/graces.

My priorities first.

I barely get to see my friends. And when I do, I want to give them my undivided attention. Ever notice that one person in your group who's eyes are glued to their phone screen? That's not me (anymore!). I don't care if you know what I'm doing or not, because if you really cared, you'd pick up the phone to call.

No more fake relationships, no more twittering while driving home, no more hours on FB, no more procrastinating before doing homework. I'm taking it back. Internet. Once a day. Byeeeee worllddddd!

xx, loveLC

for the night.

I sit here at night, this dark melancholy state, I'm surrounded by Atmosphere which consumes me. It's late. I write sad stories about love lost and love which never falters. With my whiskey I commiserate..

I smoke a million last cigarettes while you're running marathons in my head, I'm still trying to catch my breath.

"go to sleep my little time bomb.."

xx, loveLC

comin home.

"I've seen a palace in London, I've seen a castle in Wales
but I'd rather wake up beside you and breathe that ol' familiar smell
I never thought you could leave me, I figured I was the one
but I understand your sadness so I guess I should just hold my tongue.

I know that we're taking chances. You told me life was a risk."

Days like these, I just want to close my shutters and listen to music all day long. But I can't do that to myself. Each moment is a struggle, but every breath takes me closer to who I used to be. No sleep for me tonight. It's so hard to wake up alone.

It's been so long. I wonder if I'll ever find her again.

xx, < / 3 LC

yeesh.

I'm turning into a paranoid mess. I need to cut back on the drugs and scary movies.

xx, loveLC